Sometimes, effective communication with children can be a challenge for adults. Children do not always process things the same way as adults, nor do they always understand the complexities involved with navigating the social world. Two ways adults can help children is by dialoguing and giving effective feedback.
Help kids express emotions through dialoguing
• Mirroring – paraphrase it back
• Validation – have I got that right?
• Empathy – express understanding
Dialoguing is a method we use when kids are having a hard time managing their emotions, negative or positive. It’s a constructive way for them to get their feelings out in the open and have them validated by an adult. With practice, kids learn how to express their emotions appropriately.
Remember, you can mirror, validate and express empathy even if you disagree with what the child did or why.
Here’s how it works when you’re dialoguing with a child:
Mirroring: “So, you are telling me that you kicked the chair when you got angry at Bridget for taking away your ball?”
Validation: “Have I got that right? I can see that you are really feeling mad about not being able to play with the basketball. Is there more?”
Empathy: “I can imagine that you must feel really angry that you can’t play basketball when you’ve been waiting all day to get outside. That must be very frustrating.”
Why it Works
Mirroring is the process of accurately reflecting back the content of a message from someone with whom you are talking. The most common form of mirroring is paraphrasing. A paraphrase is a statement in your own words of what the message a child sends means to you.
It indicates that you are willing to transcend your own thoughts and feelings for the moment and attempt to understand the child from her/his point of view.
Any response made prior to mirroring is often an interpretation and may contain a misunderstanding. Mirroring allows a child to send a message and permits you to paraphrase until you understand.
Validation is a communication that the information being received and mirrored makes sense. It indicates that you can see her/his point of view and can accept its validity – it is true for the child. Validation is a temporary suspension or transcendence of your point of view that allows the child’s experience to have his own reality.
Phrases to Use
Typical validating phrases are, “I can see that …” or “You make sense to me because ….”
Or “I can understand that …”
Such phrases convey to the child that the subjective experience has its own logic and is a valid way of looking at things. To validate a child’s message does not mean that you agree with her/his point or view or that it reflects your subjective experience. It recognizes the fact that in any communication between two people, there are always two points of view.
Empathy is the process of reflecting, imagining or participating in the feelings the child is experiencing about the situation. This deep level of communication attempts to recognize, reach into and, on some level, experience the emotions of the child.
Phrases to Use
Typical phrases for empathic communication include: “And I can imagine that you must feel …” or “When you experience that, I hear …” or “I understand that you feel ….” Or
“That makes sense to me.”
Giving Effective Feedback
In addition to dialoguing, giving effective feedback is another wonderful way to help your child. Simply put, this involves three steps:
• DESCRIBE the situation
• DESCRIBE the behavior
• STATE the effect
Staying Constructive
Effective feedback gives kids specific information about the good and bad things they do in a constructive, respectful way that helps them improve. They will exhibit even more good behavior if they understand clearly the cause and effect. It may seem obvious to adults, but often the connection is missing in their minds.
Keep it Clear
DESCRIBE the situation
DESCRIBE the behavior
STATE the effect
Put it into Action
RIGHT WAY
When I checked out your room this morning, I saw that you brought all the trash and dishes to the kitchen. I realize I made the right decision to let you eat in your room.
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT
Good job on your room!
RIGHT WAY
At the playground, you grabbed the jump rope from Nellie. I could see she was mad and walked away. That left you without a friend to play with.
NEEDS IMPROVEMENT
One day you’re going to learn to share!
RIGHT WAY
I noticed you put the keys on the counter last night – I didn’t have to look around for them this morning when I was in a hurry to get to my meeting. Thanks.
NEEDS IMPROVEMNT
It’s about time you put the keys where they’re supposed to be!
Why it Works
The more attention kids get for the good things they do, the more they want to repeat the behavior. Pointing out what works and what doesn’t gives kids important information they need to reinforce good habits and positive behavior. By using description, you focus on what needs to be done instead of focusing on blame and wrongdoing.
Don’t Forget
Feedback is not just a different word for nagging! Nagging is negative, repetitive, and ineffective. If you find yourself saying the same thing over and over without results – it’s time to try another tack.
-Taken from WINGS for kids. www.wingsforkids.org
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